Six Hours

Is this what it is like to feel empty? To have no motivation for anything? To live without really living? Is this how my life will be without you? It has only been a couple of hours since we last exchanged words. I miss you so. I ended our conversation with an "I love you," but you ceased to respond. Do you not love me back? Does my love not matter? I am no longer alive. I sit here within this four walls and feel suffocated by loneliness. My phone no longer rings because of you. My lips do no curve into a smile any more. My room is empty, and yet it feels so full. Full of my tears and me begging you to come back to me. "Maybe we need a break," you said. I thought it was the best thing for us. Now...I do not feel the same way. I am tortured by my doubt and my lack of trust. Does this even bother you? Are you going out with your friends? Do you check your phone to see if I have caved in? Do you? I know this is bothering me. My friends are nowhere in sight, for I have pushed them away. And my phone, well, my phone remains by my side. By my side as a constant reminder that we are not talking. I refuse to message you. Why? I had insisted so much on this so-called "break" because I felt like you needed it. Now I sit here dreading it. Do you dread it as much as I do? Have you cried as much as I have? Or have you simply gone about your day, forgetting about me? I miss you. I miss you more now than the time I needed you the most. I sit here tormenting myself with questions I simply do not have the answers to. I sit here and cry. I cry and cry until my eyes run out of tears. I curse myself time and time again for acting so cold towards you. You who pushed me aside. You who ignored me. You who seemed oblivious to my troubles. You who used to love me like no one had ever done. Do you still love me? I ask as though I will receive an answer. I look back at our photos, our conversations, our jokes, our love. Where did all that love go? Can we ever get it back? I sit here, and I ask questions to the emptiness filling the room. I get no response. I take a deep breath and hold back my tears. They sting. I compose myself as much as I can. I sit here and type, avoiding you yet hoping to hear from you. I want to matter again. I want you to care again. I want you to be here with me. I just want you. I look at the clock. It has been six hours since we last spoke. Six hours. How can I continue like this? This is no life to live. This is a nightmare I want to shake. Come back to me. I miss you. 

Darkness

It is progressively getting darker. The light emitted by the sunset is no longer seeping in through the blinds. I sit at my desk. My lamp is on. It illuminates my side of the room brightly, and its light is dim on the other side of the room. There is darkness surrounding me, yet not engulfing me. It scares me. The darkness. I've been afraid of the dark for years now. However, it comforts me so. Although I fear it, I feel as though it has also become a friend of mine. Sometimes, like now, I want to give in to the darkness, let it dictate my actions and my thoughts. But I can't let that happen tonight. I have a paper due tomorrow. It is quite odd how school is one of the forces that pushes me forward. Perhaps it is because my grades are my achievements and mine alone. Alone. The word lingers on my tongue. It is true. I am alone. But then again, when aren't I? Now I wonder: do I fear the darkness or the loneliness found in it? I guess I will never know. For now I will accept the darkness around me, and continue to write. 

Distance

It's hard dealing with the distance between us. My whole being craves your presence. Your warmth. Your love. We talk all the time, whether it be day or night. But there are times when it is simply not enough. It is not enough to tell you I want to hold you close to me. It is not enough to type out my feelings for you. It is not the same as hearing your voice. Feeling your touch. Seeing you smile. This distance hurts me more than I lead you to believe. I cannot be there to comfort you when you need me. I cannot cry on your shoulder after a bad day. I cannot hold you in my arms until you fall asleep. I cannot kiss you goodnight. Missing you is a pain I cannot describe. I know one day we will be together. In the same city. In the same house. In the same room. Just you and I together. But that day is still too far from now. I am selfish when it comes to you. I crave your presence. I need you. I want to feel your warmth. I want to tell you how much I love you. I want you and nothing more. I do not want this distance between us. But despite the distance... I still love you. 

A Nightmare

I sit here in the darkness of my room. Alone. Alone with my thoughts. I don't want to sleep right now, for my thoughts will invade my dreams, and those dreams will become nightmares. Nightmares. I say the word as if I was not already familiar with it and with what it entails. As if they hadn't become a part of my daily life since before I even knew what to call them. Nightmares. They don't wake me up, and those are by far the worst. They never seem to end. I toss and turn, telling them to fade into happy endings. But they don't. These nightmares that have haunted me for years. They're always tied together somehow. They always end in death. In pain. In tears. In fears. In tragedy. They destroy my life. They destroy my dreams. Dreams. Do I even know them any more? They seem so distant. So out of my reach. So foreign to me now. Dreams. When was the last time I had a dream? A dream so pure and full of happiness. I look out my window. Sunrise. The thought of a nightmare has kept me up. Again. This nightmare, brought to life without my eyes closing. Without me going to sleep. A nightmare. But then, what else could I have expected?